The Longing. Again.
It’s the longing that gets me. I know I’ve mentioned it just one or two times before, but the longing for food that hasn’t yet made the ‘free from’ rounds really gets me.
Now, no matter what I do, I want a croissant. I want to eat foods that will mess me up, just for the taste. I want the pleasure of tasting again because let’s be real – imitation free-from foods are nothing on their counterparts.
I once tried to go light free from ‘gourmet’. I had a fancy meal. I lasted through 5 of 7 courses before I had to totter home in my heels, ruined a lovely night because whilst I had decided to ‘brave’ butter for a night. But, it wasn’t just the butter that ruined me, it was the complexity and richness of the flavours did me in. I still think about that night to this day.
I so desperately want to be involved in food, in cooking, and in the tasting, but I can’t. I can’t add those ‘flavour enhancers’, I have to scan every single package for the ingredients that might mess me up – especially since they’re both not all bolded (thanks mushrooms and olives) and vision problems make the probability of messing up ten times higher.
I long for food with such an intensity that sometimes, it hurts. It hurts to want foods I know I’ll probably never taste again, not really. Not in all their flakey glory … okay, I admit that I have a thing for croissants. But, can you blame me? Croissants are amazing, and I’ve yet to find a gluten-free, vegan croissant that doesn’t use my trigger ingredients.
I full-on regularly fantasise about that time I visited France as a kid and just ate croissants for every meal. This was the ‘before’ time. The time before I realised just how much these foods mess me up.
I miss food. I miss that type of food.
Sometimes, I think that it’s the longing that will get me. It will hurt so much one day that I’ll slip up, tell myself that one pastry won’t hurt. But, I also know what I’m like. I won’t stop at just one. I’ll gorge myself on butter, egg, but never wheat. I won’t cross that threshold no matter how desperately I want to. I recently found some old posts from a blog 4 or 5 years ago. I was ‘told’ to do the gluten challenge. I might repost them (if I can find them again).
In some way or another, I’ve always had a complicated relationship with food. Intolerances, allergies and more just seems like evolution.
But I still miss food. Specifically, I miss that type of food.